Recently on the Fox News Channel, Bill O'Reilly and others have claimed, or at least implied, that "secularists" are trying to ban Christmas. You might have heard some secularists/atheists deny this. Some might even act as if the very idea that they want to ban Christmas is absurd. Don't let them fool you! I am an atheist, and I've been to the meetings. Every week, we spend the first half hour or so after the pagan chants and Chinese checkers tournament plotting ways to get rid of all of the Christians. One of the best ways we've come up with to do that is to ban all things Christian. The Ten Commandments and Pledge bannings didn't work out so well, but banning Christmas is bound to work. I mean, come on, why would anyone want to be Christian if it doesn't result in getting presents at least once a year? I can tell you that if I were Christian, and Christmas were banned, I'd never go to church again.
Oh sure, some silly, overzealous atheists might tell you that they want Christmas banned because it violates some obscure passage in the Constitution, like the First Amendment. They're offended, they will tell you, by the fact that a religious holiday prevents them from shopping at Walmart or eating at Denny's one day each year. They might even let the ACLU in on the act, because God... er Darwin knows, those liberal lawyers don't have anything else to do. But don't let these charlatans fool you either! We atheists couldn't care less about the Constitution. It was written by a bunch of Christians and Deists anyway, and you know, Denny's is open for part of Christmas day in some areas. We aren't really offended. We just want the Christians gone.
I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking that we want to get rid of the Christians because we want more liberal sexual mores, legalized gay marriages, and the teaching of evolution in every school, public or private, but once again, you are wrong. We don't want any of that. Well, we do... especially the sex part, but that's not why we want to get rid of all the Christians. The real reason is that we want their church space. Why, you ask? Well, I'm not really supposed to divulge this information to anyone who hasn't demonstrated a knowledge of the secret atheist handshake, but... lean a little closer so that I can whisper this to you... we need the church space to house our ever-expanding collection of Elvis memorabilia. Shhhh... shhh... I know you have questions, but it's not safe for me to answer them here. Suffice it to say that Elvis and secularism are intertwined in ways that are beyond even my comprehension. Your teeny weeny non-secularist minds would probably explode if I tried to explain it to you.
One more thing. I have personal reasons for wanting to ban Christmas. Last year, I asked for a VCR/DVD combo, and no one got it for me. Down with Christmas!