Thursday, December 16, 2004

I Want to Ban Christmas!

Recently on the Fox News Channel, Bill O'Reilly and others have claimed, or at least implied, that "secularists" are trying to ban Christmas. You might have heard some secularists/atheists deny this. Some might even act as if the very idea that they want to ban Christmas is absurd. Don't let them fool you! I am an atheist, and I've been to the meetings. Every week, we spend the first half hour or so after the pagan chants and Chinese checkers tournament plotting ways to get rid of all of the Christians. One of the best ways we've come up with to do that is to ban all things Christian. The Ten Commandments and Pledge bannings didn't work out so well, but banning Christmas is bound to work. I mean, come on, why would anyone want to be Christian if it doesn't result in getting presents at least once a year? I can tell you that if I were Christian, and Christmas were banned, I'd never go to church again.

Oh sure, some silly, overzealous atheists might tell you that they want Christmas banned because it violates some obscure passage in the Constitution, like the First Amendment. They're offended, they will tell you, by the fact that a religious holiday prevents them from shopping at Walmart or eating at Denny's one day each year. They might even let the ACLU in on the act, because God... er Darwin knows, those liberal lawyers don't have anything else to do. But don't let these charlatans fool you either! We atheists couldn't care less about the Constitution. It was written by a bunch of Christians and Deists anyway, and you know, Denny's is open for part of Christmas day in some areas. We aren't really offended. We just want the Christians gone.

I know what you're thinking at this point. You're thinking that we want to get rid of the Christians because we want more liberal sexual mores, legalized gay marriages, and the teaching of evolution in every school, public or private, but once again, you are wrong. We don't want any of that. Well, we do... especially the sex part, but that's not why we want to get rid of all the Christians. The real reason is that we want their church space. Why, you ask? Well, I'm not really supposed to divulge this information to anyone who hasn't demonstrated a knowledge of the secret atheist handshake, but... lean a little closer so that I can whisper this to you... we need the church space to house our ever-expanding collection of Elvis memorabilia. Shhhh... shhh... I know you have questions, but it's not safe for me to answer them here. Suffice it to say that Elvis and secularism are intertwined in ways that are beyond even my comprehension. Your teeny weeny non-secularist minds would probably explode if I tried to explain it to you.

One more thing. I have personal reasons for wanting to ban Christmas. Last year, I asked for a VCR/DVD combo, and no one got it for me. Down with Christmas!

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

You weren't supposed to tell! 

Posted by PZ Myers

Anonymous said...

Aaaaaah! Busted! I shall now suffer the wrath of an extreme, unorganized minority of which I am a member. The horror. The horror. 

Posted by Chris

Anonymous said...

Christmas = birth of Chirst. Birthday = a mark of history that can not be erased. FYI 50% or more of christians do not give nor receive gift for the birth of christ, we celebrate the birth of christs time on this earth. Now 75% of american non-belivers celebrate christmas and open presents under the christmas tree makes egg nog and sings about an old man that does not exist (santa)word refigured (satan). So all in all you can take away presents ( that you like so much. But you can not take away christmas. "In the spirit) but its nice to see you all trying to occupy your time, too bad its quite useless. Now here is a secret of ours to you. But hey you can publisize this as much as you would like. God is going to come for his belivers. And then and only then will you see the diminisment of christians. Then all the unbelivers will have there hell on earth as you please. Take care and God bless.

Anonymous said...

Why celebrate his birthday. He is just a dead guy. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't be a fool. Someone made up god, and all of this. God is mans way of explaning things he can not understand or does not know. Get real and think about it. If you believe in god you are stupid.

Anonymous said...

i am an american soldier currently iraq. this christmas ban is the most absurd shit i have ever heard. protestors need to get some pussy, beer, and a real fucking job. mass histeria over a HOLIDAY!!! damn. all because some bored fat peice of shit said hey i'm gonna fuck up everyone else's day. fuck bush, fuck america. when i get back i'm moving to canada.

Anonymous said...

Hey, umm.. wow. That is very asinine. Why would you want to get rid of us? You know getting rid of Christmas would 1. certainly not get rid of us Christians, just make us really mad, 2. put you in a LOT of political trouble. and 3. Absolutley devestate the economy. But of course, it would not get rid of us Christians. You'd only be strengthening us. Sure you'd get rid of all the "go to church only on christmas and easter" Christians. But they are not the Christians you are looking to get rid of. I myself dont even consider these people Christians because most have not been born again by the Blood of Jesus, yes i said Jesus. And personally i dont care how dogmatic it sounds to you. Also, you'd be in a lot of political trouble. I won't get into it, but its a 100% violation of the 1st ammendment, and the ideas that our nation was founded upon. the reason we left Europe was to get away from the "church of england". And to have complete religious freedom. and we have had this. You probly think that Christians run the country. No. Ill tell you, i go through more persecution for being a Christian than my muslim friend. Why? Because I Love Jesus. And I love others to show this, and people dont take it lightly. I get persecuted for my faith by agnostics, athiests, muslims, catholics[odd but it happens], and other christians! Every fliping day. But that doesnt break my Faith. And i can certainly assure you that banning Christmas will not either. Because i will celebrate Jesus's Birthday no matter what, not because of the gifts i get, because ill be getting far less than ever this year seeing as my own father wants nothing to do with me because of my strong Christian Faith. Banning Christmas certianly wont break this young man speaking with you, because Salvation is here, and He lives in me. God Bless!!! By the way, Jesus loves you no matter what!

Persevering through hardships,
Dan

Anonymous said...

LONG LIVE SANTA CLAUS!!!!

Amber said...

Wow! I've never been threatened like that before. You want to get rid of me? Did I step on your very wordy toes in some way? I'm not a big fan of your ideals, but I don't want to get rid of you. In the true spirit of Christmas and Christ himself - I wish you grace and peace! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Laura Bryant said...

For the guy who posted the thing that got all of these comments - you are one brainless moron. Do you really think that christmas is all about eating food, going out to dinner, getting presents, and talking with family? No, it's a whole lot more than that. It's about JESUS and GOD!!!!!!! Yes, I said the words that burn your ears. I believe in Jesus and his father. You believe in material things that will one day vanish along with your decomposoing flesh. You only care about what you can get and what the goverment can do for you. Ever care about somebody else? And it's not the christians faults. You just want to get rid of the christians so you can have your pagan/demonic/unrealistic religion unleashed upon the world. Merry CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

PhilJ said...

Christmas Is all Business and Retail Hype These Days Santa Reindeers etc All of this is hype to make people spend more Christmas has become a time of great stress and hardship for many people. Poverty and All year round debt is increased for many. It is a Sad fact these days that many children only know about Santa they do not know about the real christmas story Jesus is the reason for the season. What about the millions of people in the world suffering hardship and poverty. Yes even in the big cities and towns of the modern world. Who cares about the homeless the sick those in genuine need. What about the billions spent on unwanted christmas gifts all because of the retail hype and fear of embarrasement if one misses a present or gives something of less value. I think it is time that things went back to a basic christmas where Jesus is the focus for Christmas. REMEMBER JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.

Anonymous said...

The only solution to all of this Christmas Holiday controversy is to just ban all holidays! Now everyone can be happy! I'm sure there are people who didn't feel right about war, so there goes 4th of July and Veteran's day. Obviously someone didn't like Lincoln or Martin Luther King since they were both assisinated, so there goes both those days. Easter break was the reason for spring break so let's nix that one too. Don't want any ties with Christianity there. Now let's see, oh yeah, the pilgrims....I'm sure the Indians are offended by that and maybe unknow others as well, so there goes Thanksgiving. I think Halloween is offensive to many as well, like maybe the Jehova Witnessess. As far as St. Patrick's Day, Cinco De Mayo, those are too special interest and Ethnic. Also Columbus day is much too ethnic and I'm sure there are many people that have something against his discovery as well. I believe we can leave Valentines Day, Groundhog Day and April Fools Day. In fact April Fools Day might be the perfect Day to recognize all the idiots who want to undermine what few days we currently have that are festive. I'm sure all the athiest retailers will be bummed when they have no "holiday" spenders to bitch about! There will be no time off for holidays. I'm sure the anti Holiday people enjoy their time off during holidays! They are hypocrites. Let's just have no time off for any holiday whatsoever! It will save companies some big bucks! If you don't like the foundation of our country, get out! You are parasites! Happy April Fools, you Fools!

Anonymous said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS! haha, you can't change it and we will all celebrate, just like we do every year, over and over! Enjoy your misery! Christmas will be here long after you are gone! Get used to it!

Anonymous said...

I've but one thing to say to you. Evolution has grown popular in schools over the years, and most science teachers teach this concept, but you want to know what isn't taught in schools - the one thing that schools have baneed: Creationism. They can no longer teach that in schools, and it's just a powerful and meaningful as evolution.

Chris said...

Feel free to continue to post angry comments, but I felt I should make it clear that this post was intended in jest (I'd have thought the Elvis part would make that clear, but hey, since I can't limit the readership by IQ, I can't assume that everyone will get the obvious). I do not actually want to ban Christmas, nor do I think more than a handful of people actually do. I don't actually want to get rid of Christians (though I wouldn't mind it if most, if not all, Southern Baptists decided to move to Paraguay). But if you want to continue to write me angry comments, feel free. I enjoy the laughter they bring.

Mark said...

I also would like to see Christmas banned. However, I find your reasons for banning christmas rather ridiculous, and hypocritical.
You claim to be an atheist/pagan. Atheists, as I understand believe in no god or gods. Pagans, on the otherhand believe in multiple gods, usually related to nature, astronomical bodies etc. So the two should be incompatible. Atheists should have as much tolerance for Pagans as they do for Christians. In otherwords, Paganism is a religion, and Atheists don't believe in religion.
With this in mind, just who the hell are you chanting to at your Atheist/Pagan meetings?
Secondly, Christmas is actually a Pagan ceremony, practiced long before Christ was supposed to have been born, and was hi-jacked by the Christians. So although Paganism itself was stamped out by the Christian church, they still wanted their holiday at the end of the year. Therefore, they made it into a celebration of Christs birth.
So, Pagans wanting to ban Christmas rather than reclaim it is rather strange, no other religion would act this way towards a holiday they held sacred.
Furthermore, Pagans and Atheists gathering for meetings and chanting together?!!....well!..could only be the U.S.A, couldn't it!

Anonymous said...

BAN CHRISTMAS ITS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY AND NOTHING ELSE !!! Religious reasons are nothing compared to the amount of importance people put on what you get i.e. the presents. It makes me sick just thinking about it. It was originally a winter festival dreamt up by those in power to improve the mood of the towns folk in mid winter. It was then taken over by the Christian's as a time to celebrate a mythological creatures birth. Christmas has no place in modern society it should be banned period.

Anonymous said...

If god is man's may of explaining something he can't understand is god and that is your basis,i can just say that about evolution and I am the correct one!

Black said...

Man, no wonder American Christians give the rest of the world's Christians a bad name. The rest of you, no wonder the rest of the world thinks America is stupid.

Furthermore, God is not just what man makes up when he can't understand something. That would be the God-of-the-gaps fallacy. Although it is true that god/s are invented for this reason, this does not include the Christian God. Although, again, I will admit that the arguments put forward by some Christians some of the time do fall into this category of argument.

Anonymous said...

Can you guys seriously take a joke? What's up with all of the hateful comments? You DO realize that the writer was joking, right? Or maybe you just don't understand things like that.

Moggz said...

Thanks for a good laugh Chris.

I live in the UK and have a sense of wit and humour and am aware of subtle comedic devices such as sarcasm and irony.

The responses to your post are, well, amusing yet should be somewhat embarressing for the writers!

Have a great 'festive winter season' celebration... or not. Whichever you prefer!

Moggz said...

"Christmas has no place in modern society it should be banned period"

Mass-consumerism, corporatism commercialism, and capitalism have no place in a modern, moral society.

Mid-winter is still just as good a time for a merry knees-up as it was when the Pagans were at it.

The Internet really makes me worry about how people view the world, or perhaps I should say 'how people DON'T view the world'!

Ho ho ho.

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